{"id":6738,"date":"2018-10-16T15:06:32","date_gmt":"2018-10-16T13:06:32","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.forachange.nl\/?p=6738"},"modified":"2021-09-22T17:35:38","modified_gmt":"2021-09-22T15:35:38","slug":"can-you-only-help-someone-if-you-have-been-in-his-shoes","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.forachange.nl\/en\/2018\/10\/can-you-only-help-someone-if-you-have-been-in-his-shoes\/","title":{"rendered":"Can you only help someone if you’ve been in his shoes?"},"content":{"rendered":"

‘Never Judge a Man Until You\u2019ve Walked a Mile In His Shoes<\/em>, sang Elvis in 1968.<\/p>\n

If this was true, I might as well close my business. Because I have made it my business to help top and middle managers but have never been one myself.<\/p>\n

So, how literally should we take these words from Elvis? Does a geriatrician have to be old himself? Should a pedagogue be a parent? Or should a dietician have had weight problems?<\/p>\n

The answer might seem an open door, but when I entered it I did find some interesting insights on the essence of helping others and my very own role in it. Offering help can be done in three different roles, each relating differently to the other person\u2019s \u2018shoes.<\/p>\n

Help from the Recliner<\/strong><\/p>\n

It feels awful to get help from someone who hasn\u2019t looked into the complexity of your situation. Someone that doesn\u2019t even see your shoes. That person is helping you while sitting in his recliner, using the word \u2019just\u2019 once too often:<\/p>\n

\u2018You just have to let go\u2019<\/em><\/p>\n

\u2018You just have to say how you feel\u2019<\/em><\/p>\n

\u2018It\u2019s just about getting some support\u2019<\/em><\/p>\n

Help offered by someone in a recliner never works. It only makes you feel insecure. Because if the solution is that simple, doesn\u2019t that make you plain stupid?<\/p>\n

Help from Fellow Sufferers<\/strong><\/p>\n

When experiencing a problem, it is good to have people around who recognize it from their own experience. Just knowing you\u2019re not alone could give you the boost you need to find a solution on your own. People who have been in a similar predicament can share many do\u2019s and don\u2019ts about what they\u2019ve done to solve their problems or to make their situation more acceptable.<\/p>\n

Their true value lies in the fact that they\u2019re not walking your shoes, but putting theirs next to yours.<\/p>\n

Help from Professionals<\/strong><\/p>\n

Professional helpers like coaches and expert consultants add value in another way. Within the scope the problem can present itself, they are able to identify the innumerous parameters and their impact, the solutions that will work in whatever situation and the steps you need to bring a solution to life. With their professional training and their many years of experience they can analyze every single problem that is presented to them, asking questions and making suggestions in such a way that it becomes clear what to do next.<\/p>\n

The professional helper does not walk your shoes. He uses his craftsmanship to help you get rid of your sore feet.<\/p>\n

Conclusion<\/strong><\/p>\n

So, you don\u2019t have to<\/em> walk a mile in another man\u2019s shoes to be able to help. Moreover, you can\u2019t<\/em> even walk his shoes. His shoes won\u2019t fit. You can\u2019t feel what he feels. Because you are<\/em> not him.<\/p>\n

You can only help someone if you recognize that he\u2019s wearing different shoes.<\/p>\n

Annemarie Mars, October 2018<\/p>\n

For Those Who Would Like to Know More<\/strong><\/p>\n

About helping and judging<\/em><\/p>\n

Elvis wasn\u2019t singing about helping, he was singing about judging. Helping and judging stem from the same root. To be able to help you must make a value judgement. You must first understand what\u2019s right and wrong about a certain situation so that you can help to improve it.<\/p>\n

What Elvis was really singing about was prejudice. That would never be appropriate, not even after looking into one\u2019s specific situation. Your value judgment should always concern the situation, not the other person. I could write a whole blogpost about that difference! For now, I\u2019d rather just focus on helping someone in relation to his or her complex situation, which in fact is the proverbial shoe.<\/p>\n

About professional helpers who were in the same situation<\/em><\/p>\n

Wouldn\u2019t it always be better if professional helpers were in your situation?<\/p>\n

The mere fact that a professional helper recognizes your situation from his own experience is undeniably a very powerful protection mechanism against the \u2013 also very common among professional helpers- pitfall to judge too easily about another person\u2019s situation. But also, other professional helpers use protection mechanisms that are sufficiently adequate, such as respecting the client and empathy.<\/p>\n

But you can\u2019t have it both ways, because there is definitely some friction involved. When consulting a pedagogue, his elaboration on his own children doesn\u2019t help me. It\u2019s okay if he thinks that his experience suits my situation. But if he does it once too often my capability of self-reflection might diminish \u2013 we\u2019re not talking about my situation, but his. Alternatively, I could stick to his solution: he has already found one. In both cases my ownership will have to foot the bill.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

I\u2019m Annemarie Mars: speaker, author and advisor on change.<\/p>\n

It is my job to get people thinking about the way they give room, direction and guidance to organizations in motion. So that they can look for the essential conversation to change together.<\/p>\n

Want to know more about my (online) presentations? Click here.<\/a><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Photo credits: “Raptor or ostrich?”<\/a>\u00a0by\u00a0House of Joy Photos<\/a>\u00a0is licensed under\u00a0CC BY-SA 2.0<\/a><\/em><\/h6>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

‘Never Judge a Man Until You\u2019ve Walked a Mile In His Shoes, sang Elvis in 1968.<\/p>\n

If this was true, I might as well close my business. Because I have made it my business to help top and middle managers but have never been one myself.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":7114,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-6738","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-nieuws"],"acf":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.forachange.nl\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6738","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.forachange.nl\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.forachange.nl\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.forachange.nl\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.forachange.nl\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=6738"}],"version-history":[{"count":20,"href":"https:\/\/www.forachange.nl\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6738\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":7254,"href":"https:\/\/www.forachange.nl\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6738\/revisions\/7254"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.forachange.nl\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/7114"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.forachange.nl\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=6738"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.forachange.nl\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=6738"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.forachange.nl\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=6738"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}