{"id":7074,"date":"2019-03-15T16:44:05","date_gmt":"2019-03-15T15:44:05","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.forachange.nl\/en\/?p=7074"},"modified":"2021-09-22T17:32:24","modified_gmt":"2021-09-22T15:32:24","slug":"if-you-would-just-let-me-finish-idiot-or-how-to-avoid-the-battleground-in-change","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.forachange.nl\/en\/2019\/03\/if-you-would-just-let-me-finish-idiot-or-how-to-avoid-the-battleground-in-change\/","title":{"rendered":"\u2018If you would just let me finish, idiot?\u2019 (Or: how to avoid the arena)"},"content":{"rendered":"

\u2018But with the greatest respect, I found your feedback unsubtle to say the least\u2019<\/p>\n

\u2018Sorry, but I\u2019ve done my best to derive something positive from your proposal.\u2019<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

You\u2019ll recognise the situation: the conversation is polite. You don\u2019t raise your voice and he doesn\u2019t start swearing. Nobody needs to dial 911. But you know your relationship has cooled off.<\/p>\n

Worse still: you\u2019ve stepped into the arena.<\/p>\n

You can deduce it from: rolling eyes, sighs, frowns, ignoring each other\u2019s contributions and exchanging glances of collusion with the onlookers. Or from idiot<\/em> remarks.<\/p>\n

Idiot remarks?<\/b><\/p>\n

These are sentences where the term idiot<\/em> can be added to the end of, without changing its effect;<\/p>\n

\u2018If you\u2019ll allow me to finish,\u2026.\u2019<\/p>\n

\u2018Surely I can expect that\u2026, \u2026\u2019<\/p>\n

\u2018Luckily there are some people who can be positive,\u2026\u2019<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

What\u2019s wrong with a bit of friction every now and then?<\/b><\/p>\n

The arena is a change killer.<\/em> The moment you step into it your intentions flip. Your intention was to move forward but the urge to rebuke is taking over.<\/p>\n

You want to win.<\/p>\n

The feeling of triumph when you win is exhilarating. But not for long. Because when you\u2019re the winner, then the other person is automatically the loser. That damages the relationship. And as a result the other person is no longer open to your influence.<\/p>\n

You win the battle but you lose the transformation.<\/p>\n

But am I not allowed to stand my ground?<\/b><\/p>\n

Of course. When someone puts you at a disadvantage, you have to do something about it. You are equally as important.<\/p>\n

But as long as you remain angry about it, you are still standing in the arena. And it\u2019s important you leave the ring.<\/p>\n

The advice that people often give in these situations is: you just need to talk to each other. However that may prove dangerous because when you do that, whilst at the same time feeling the urge to reprimand the other person, the result is an even fiercer quarrel.<\/p>\n

What you have to do when you start to feel angry?<\/b><\/p>\n

Every confrontation is different. There are no fixed rules. On the one hand it may help to express how you are feeling, on the other hand it\u2019s sometimes useful to take a time-out, and sometimes you may even feel the need to ring your solicitor.<\/p>\n

In order to arrive at a solution which fits your situation, you need two perspectives:<\/p>\n

    \n
  1. As long as I remain angry, anything I do will make the situation worse<\/b><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

    To step out of the arena requires a certain amount of self-restraint. You can only achieve this when you are aware of the price you will have to pay when you don\u2019t: you know you are going to regret it.<\/p>\n

      \n
    1. As long as I remain angry, I am not aware of what I\u2019m really feeling<\/b><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

      Anger is the easiest of emotions. It keeps you from your deeper emotions such as anxiety, sadness, helplessness or denial.<\/p>\n

      And is that everything?<\/b><\/p>\n

      Yes. That\u2019s all it takes.<\/p>\n

      Perspective 1 helps you to master your feelings and to step out of the arena. Perspective 2 allows you to research where the real problem lies.<\/p>\n

      Hence?<\/b><\/p>\n

      Stay out of the arena when change is important to you. Acknowledge your anger and investigate what\u2019s underneath it, so together you can move forward again.<\/p>\n

       <\/p>\n

      \"\"<\/p>\n

      I\u2019m Annemarie Mars: speaker, author and advisor on change.<\/p>\n

      It is my job to get people thinking about the way they give room, direction and guidance to organizations in motion. So that they can look for the essential conversation to change together.<\/p>\n

      Want to know more about my presentations? Click here.<\/a><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

      Photo credits:\u00a0“Drongo”<\/a>\u00a0by\u00a0VinothChandar<\/a>\u00a0is licensed under\u00a0CC BY 2.0<\/a><\/em><\/h6>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

      \u2018But with the greatest respect, I found your feedback unsubtle to say the least\u2019<\/p>\n

      \u2018Sorry, but I\u2019ve done my best to derive something positive from your proposal.\u2019<\/p>\n

      You\u2019ll recognise the situation: the conversation is polite. You don\u2019t raise your voice and he doesn\u2019t start swearing. Nobody needs to dial 911. But you know your relationship has cooled off.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":7104,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-7074","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-nieuws"],"acf":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.forachange.nl\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7074","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.forachange.nl\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.forachange.nl\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.forachange.nl\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.forachange.nl\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=7074"}],"version-history":[{"count":10,"href":"https:\/\/www.forachange.nl\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7074\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":7250,"href":"https:\/\/www.forachange.nl\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7074\/revisions\/7250"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.forachange.nl\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/7104"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.forachange.nl\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=7074"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.forachange.nl\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=7074"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.forachange.nl\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=7074"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}